Best of Craig’s List: Economy version Part II
October 12, 2009Jon Brooks Comments OffOur Best of Craig’s List post from last week was so popular, we decided to go to the well once more. The following include obvious satirical rants, well-crafted hoaxes, and some genuine public displays of anger and despair. Again, from the archives of the Best of Craig’s List:
I’ll wear your silly costume (Louisville)
Times are tough these days, and we all need a little help to get ahead. I’m offering my services to put on whatever costume your business uses, (gorilla costume, statue of liberty, etc.) to promote whatever you need to promote. I’ve got experience looking dumb and holding stuff. email me, lets make the magic happen.
Re: Ratan and Wood book shelf (Chico, CA)
For the love of God, must you post this same ugly bookshelf every single day? I’ve seen it on this site at least 30 times. Give us a break for a few days would you. Nobody wants it. It’s ugly. Try lowering the price. Try setting it in front of your house with a free sign on it. Try anything, but please get a clue…Oh and by the way it’s “rattan” with a double t, not “ratan.” Now please take a break!!
Antique furniture from former CEO’s office (New York)
It has come to our attention that there is a great deal of value in the furniture that is no longer needed from the office of a former CEO. We have decided to put it up for sale….The buyer must be willing to come in the middle of the night to haul away as we do not want any additional people to see it than necessary. If needed a driver can be provided for an extra charge. The buyer must also sign a non-disclosure agreement saying they will not sell pictures to the press or speak to anyone about where the furniture was acquired or how much was paid.
The items are as follows:
Antique area rug, has some spots that are worn down from pacing but easily covered with other furniture $87K
Sofa, has been slept in a few times but is very comfortable $15K
Velvet curtains, very similar to the curtains from Gone With the Wind $28K
George IV Desk, rarely used $18K
Chandelier, still sparkles despite the current economic environment $37 K
Mirror with silver frame, has a few kiss marks we are trying to get off $5K
Mahogany pedestal table, might have been stood upon but still in great shape $25K
Off-white parchment waste-can, perfect for shredded documents $1,400
Executive life for sale (or repo) (Detroit)
…what I have for sale is a life of debt, illusions and bill collectors
I think for $1,000,000 I’ll let it go. The price will include an equipment-only fabrication shop, a beautiful house in the country 3,500 sqft, 30 x 40 barn, 13 acres; ahh the American dream! It will also buy you 12 useless employees, 4 large break-even contracts and a business name that has become completely ruined because CORPORATE AMERICA SUCKS d*!%. I have however made it 5 years so I guess I beat the statistic…
Chrysler financial, you can have my diesel truck back…stop calling me five times a day and come get the piece of s*&$.
Btw, how do you expect people to pay your late charges if they can’t even make the regular payment? Also if you called me on Tuesday I bet my situation won’t be any different Wednesday. f*&$ you I’m going to hide it
American Express I was a good customer to you. Once I was 10 days late you canceled my card. You will never get your money.
53rd I would really like to keep my camper but if you insist on coming to get it because I’m 45 days late come and get it. I’ve got a !*&$ing tent. Chrysler’s going to take my !*&$ng truck and I’m sure my S-10 won’t pull it. Bring a f!*&$ng shovel because there’s 8 feet of snow pushed in front of it because all it f&$ing does is snow around here…
The only thing in my life I won’t sell is my 4 year old daughter, my very sexy supportive wife and the dog. You can have the rest of the illusion.
Material bull&*!$. We learned our lesson.
Love to tell you more but I’ve got to search for a job so I can pay taxes to support all the Bailout money we gave the people that are going to repo my &*!$and put America in this situation…
Don’t think the dollar illusion can go on much longer. Keep the faith protect your kids. Your family is all that matters
A Broke Michigan resident
Ass for Cash (San Francisco Bay Area)Can’t afford to take care of Donkey anymore. He’s in good health, very friendly and only mildly stinky. It is expensive to care for him though. I am selling him for 500 bucks (Got him for 2,000). Totally worth it. You pick him up.
Republican governor for sale (Charlotte)
Here in South Carolina we have a governor who wants to turn down stimulus funds for education. We are not happy about this, but, heck, apparently there are people out there who admire this guy.
So, if you and your state want this guy, you give us your stimulus money and we’ll give you Mark Sanford.
This deal is contingent on the following:
- A majority of the voters in South Carolina must agree that they’d rather have stimulus funds than Mark Sanford and…
- A majority of the voters in your state must agree that they would rather have Mark Sanford than their stimulus funds.Please let us know when you have held a referendum on this matter. The Governor will go to the bidding state with the most stimulus money offered.
Thank you, employers! (Las Vegas)
Dear employers with job openings,
I just want to take a moment to thank all the companies that now only use online applications for the jobs for which I am best qualified. I’m so happy to know that in the past eight years, you have dropped the practice of requesting well written resumes (which took the place of having me come into your place of business in person and fill out an application by hand) and now for convenience, give me the opportunity to waste my f***ing time trying to guess what it is you want me to write in your online application fields in eight words or less, what work I’ve done that will make you call me for an interview. Because of this new-found simple-mindedness, I can guarantee that you will have the weakest, most uninteresting, unmotivated new-hires EVER!
Because I have had to have more than three jobs in the past eight years, at which I have excelled, some of which I was laid-off from due to down-sizing, and most of which are your competitors in the marketplace, you will never know what I have done because you only allow three previous employers in your simple, automated application program or only want experience from the past five years.
Because I have always been capable of doing more than one thing at a time, you will never know that as a free-lance writer/costume designer/photographer, what I have done Monday through Friday to support myself quite well is to be the most efficient, bright, hard-working, easy-going, intelligent and dependable administrative assistant an employer could wish for. But you will never know that because your measly-ass job application program is only looking for words your witless HR staff has programmed it to look for and then spitting out applications by people like myself with a form email thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck.
Thank you also for the Myers-Briggs psychometric type test to see if I actually would be able to sit next to another person and not drive them crazy.
Thank you for sparing me the waste of my time outshining most of your other staff in their presence by having me come in to your office in person, dressed to the nines, flashing my intensely alert eyes at you, and shaking your hand with confidence, yet sensitively. You wouldn’t hire me anyway because I’m probably more interesting than you and therefore a threat.
You have saved me from the humiliation of taking a position with a company that probably has the dullest, most unadventurous, most boring staff that has been hired through this elimination process of an online application to which you have given ultimate authority to decide, only by the selection of some dozen or so “key” words, to interview.
And we wonder why there are banks going under, businesses making toxic loans, stock market losses, medical errors, corruption, Bernie Madoffs in the world…
Yours very truly,
The one that got away
Screw shoveling and you can all kiss my butt, too (Minneapolis)
Dear Neighbor -
I’m not gonna shovel out the walk, so you might as well call me in now.
I work 12-14 hour days. My wife left almost a year ago to go relive her college days and saddled me with the mortgage and car payment…
Thanks for the dirty look when I saw you out walking YOUR unleashed *!^%-machine-on-four-legs this morning…
Hey, a*$! Guess what? I’m not an independent consultant or whatever the *!^% it is you told me your job is… I’m a sales manager. I get up early, go to the office, slug it out listening to salespeople tell me that our customers won’t buy our services in this economy until well after you’ve had your supper, and typically make it home about the time you’re settling in to watch Real Housewives of Orange County…
I’m beat when I get home. I eat a sandwich, pet the dog a little, sort the mail, and wish my wife wasn’t a… &!%* for Carlson School of Management’s Spring ’09 MBA candidates, each of whom is gonna…defend a dissertation, get offered a job without having to make a meaningful search, and earn six times more money at age 22 with no experience than I am at age 40 with a BS in marketing and 18 years never once having missed quota for base-plus-ten-percent.
The LAST thing on my mind in these moments of lamentation is putting on the Carhartts and shoveling out the sidewalk when it’s -15 degrees. I gotta get up in six hours and get back to the office. I work for a living, and to tell you the truth, when you called the City to complain earlier this year about snow on the sidewalk and I got the $30 invoice from the City for them to come by with their brush-blower, I happily paid it. It was worth the $30 to not have to go out and stand in the wind for 30 minutes.
So this is your fair warning, oh neighbor of mine…might as well call me in now, because it ain’t getting any warmer the rest of this week, my job ain’t getting any less demanding, and as far as I know, my wife has every intention of continuing to let the next generation of useless MBAs… Which means I have the perfect combination of prohibitive temperatures, discretionary income, and anger at humanity in general to keep paying the city to clear the sidewalk…well into Spring.
More snow on the way!
I want your roadkill. Why, might you ask? Simple. I drive around and regularly see 1-2 deer a week on the side of the road, rotting. Since an average deer has about 80-120 pounds of usable venison on it, its a shame that all that meat is wasted…
If you happen to hit a deer (or larger animal, although I don’t think we have many of those in southern Virginia), you can bring the animal to me, and I’ll carve it up for you, and split the meat 50/50. I hunt, and I do my own butchering, so it doesn’t take too long for me, and I enjoy it…
1. It has to be a deer or bigger. I’m not carving up a flat squirrel for you.
2. It must be less than a day old.
3. You have to call the police after your accident. The cops come out and issue you a permit so that you legally own the deer.
4. You bring the animal to me.
5. I’ll cut up the animal and give half the meat to you in sealed bags. I’ll even label it, so you’ll know what cuts you’re getting. You eat it and enjoy!Of course, you may feel odd eating roadkill. I mean, that’s a redneck thing, right? Absolutely untrue. For starters, you’re using meat that would normally be wasted, so its good for the environment. Venison is leaner (deer don’t sit on big farms eating corn), healthier (no injected hormones here!), and tastier (there is no such thing as “gamey” meat. That’s just anti-hunters trying to justify themselves) than beef. Plus, you get it for nothing…
Start enjoying the meat of your unfortunate labors!
Dear aquarium sellers… (Dallas)
Contrary to popular belief there is no shortage of 55 gallon freshwater tanks.
In fact, at Walmart you can buy a complete 55 gallon setup minus fish and gravel (and a few decorations) for around 90.00, add some fish and gravel a few decorations, and you pay around 130.00.
For a BRAND NEW tank.
At Petco, or Petsmart the same tank is around 150.00, so with fish and gravel 180.00.
So explain how your used tank, with the same items, is worth 350.00? 500.00?…
No one cares what you paid for it, I paid 42k for my pickup 5 years ago, you think I am getting 42k for it back? You think anyone goes out, buys something, uses it for a few years, then can sell it for what they paid for it new? Are you smoking something?
Latrine style room (SF Bay Area)Luxurious, high end, beautiful, sumptuous – that’s how others have described our bathroom. And that is what you would be living in – an ultra high end room that’s 20×24 and happens to have extremely high end fixtures in it!
The sinks are designed to look like long latrines – so is the tub. It’s very World War 1 French Country but with extremely ultra modern light Henri Bendelish soft glow fixtures. Sounds kinda schizophrenic, but it was in vogue when the designer picked it.
Built at the peak of the dot com era, we thought we would be able to use the bathroom for what it was – a place to bathe and defecate and primp and soothe.
But with the economy being what it is, we must rent it out. The floor space in the middle is huge – 12×15 and you can sprawl out any way you wish!
The only thing is we require that you remove all your stuff every morning (after you bathe of course) so that we can maintain the appearance of wealth even though we don’t have much money these days. We are meeting with venture capitalists and have a new technology we are trying to showcase and we bring investors over all the time and we don’t want them knowing we have somebody living in our bathroom.
But if you want to live on Nob Hill and have a beautiful daytime view, this is your place!
PS – we aren’t racist, but we do want people who fit our image and personal brand aesthetic. No bargain shoppers, manual laborers or people who look comfortable on public transportation.
PSA for those selling 80s furniture (Phoenix)
I’ve been scouring these furniture listings for a while now and I can clearly see that some of you need a little help in moving your items.. here are some tips for those of you who somehow still have your 1980s decor:
1. Calling something “eames era,” “vintage,” or “elegant” doesn’t make it so. In fact, that “eames era” of which you speak… Charles died in 1978, so your 1980s horrific dining set isn’t covered. Give the poor man a break, he had taste. The only thing produced in his name after his death was the Eames Sofa, google it. I’m pretty sure you don’t have one. His wife, Ray was still alive for another ten years, but she’s not taking responsibility for your ugly stuff either.
2. If you’ve listed this hideous 1980s item for more than $40, you’re grossly overestimating your market. I know, I know, you thought to yourself, “With the right amount of love and restoration, this could be a really classic piece.” Let me tell you something, potheads don’t have any money and if they do, they spend it on pot, not hideous couches from 1986.
3. That upholstered item you’re selling? It’s so dirty I can smell it through my computer. If I were you, I would be offering cash to the first person who could take it into the desert and shoot it, burn it, anything to get the smell out of my house. Clean it up or give it away, please don’t relist it for the fifth (or fifteenth.. you know who you are) day in a row for $200.
Hope this helps and if any of you actually DO have an Eames sofa that you want to sell me for $75, give me a shout out. I’ll gladly take it off of your hands just as soon as I’m done smoking this joint.
Diary of a UVM Student Protester (Vermont)
8:25 – Wake up after late night discussing the plight of the working class and how the University Administration is so bloated and overpaid. Text Dad on IPhone to ask when I can expect my monthly allowance. Dress in new jeans and cool gas station attendant shirt with “Hal” name patch on it.
9:40 – Go to breakfast and, in a sign of solidarity with those UVM employees being fired, only have two bowls of cereal so that I might feel the pain of starvation that those less fortunate feel…
10:05 – Call Housing Services and demand explanation about why dorms now only have basic cable. Surf web for Che Guevara poster for dorm room. Call Mom about allowance, no answer.
11:15 – Head downtown to kill some time before protest – classes are so bourgeois and a total waste of time. Text friends to plan next trip to Montreal. Call Mom again, but Dave, her new husband, answers. Ask about allowance, Dave says he’ll call after he goes to gym. Find cool flip flops at Urban Outfitters…
3:00 – Go to President Vogel’s Office for sit-in. Disappointed I did not get to yell banalities into bullhorn, but did get choice spot near front entrance, sure to be on camera. Text friends to tell them to watch news for me. Start chants – found it hard to text and chant at same time. Swap dreadlocking tips with guy sitting next to me, as well as best place to get pedicure.
5:10 – Getting bored – no tear gas, no fiery speeches, nothing cool to tell friends about…
6:18 – Still bored – some members of the Administration asked me to move so they could get out of the office. They were not intimidated by wrathful glare. Need to use bathroom.
9:50 – Cops show up, order us to disperse. We yell, chant, and show our strength and commitment to the struggle. Wonder if there is still time to hit Smuggs for some late season skiiing. Cops shrug and place us under arrest.
10:14 – Being led out to van by cop. Hands me a citation to appear for trespass. Wonder if I can use my Amex to pay fine.
10:35 – Head out with friends to the Three Needs and talk about how alternative and rebellious we are, and how far we have come from Teaneck, Bernardsville, Bala Cynwyd, and Long Island. Plan protest for next day to call for lower tuition and divestment from companies we don’t like.
12:45 – Stumble back to dorm, confident that my efforts today maje a huge difference in the world. Wonder if next seven years of college will all be as inspiring as this.
