Laughing through layoffs
November 20, 2009Jon Brooks Comments OffYesterday we highlighted one man’s poignant and self-reflective post on his one-year anniversary of being laid off. But the guy is also very funny, as evidenced by his blog’s Layoff Tracker, a catalogue of corporate job cuts annotated with sarcastic comments. Some of the bitter bon mots:
3M (1200 layoffs) – Who will make the tape to wrap the presents I can’t afford to buy and give anyone?
Adobe (600) – Rest assured your computer will still download updates at the most inopportune times.
Aetna (1000) – Their health insurance policies no longer cover doctor visits or prescriptions. The good news is that every policy comes with a complimentary WebMD membership and a tourniquet.
Agilent (3800) – The “premier measurement company” apparently miscalculated how many employees they really need.
Allergan (460) – You have drugs. We need drugs. What’s the problem again.
American Century (270) – With that name, no wonder they’re downsizing.
American Greetings (275) You’d think they’d be thriving from sales of “sorry you lost your job (thank God it wasn’t me)” cards.
American Medical Association (100) – Above all, do no harm, at least until money is involved.
Apple (1600) – And Steve Jobs officially changed his name to Steve Layoffs.
Borders Books (742) – This could eliminate some of my strategically placed bathroom stops throughout the city.
BusinessWeek (12) – If they layoff the people covering all the layoffs, does that mean that all the layoffs won’t happen?
Caterpillar (20,000) – Please don’t cut the Trucker Hat Making Division. I need a reason to live.
Compuware (250) – That’s the best name you could come up with? Did you name your dog “Doggypet”?
Deere & Co. (713) – There goes my plan to give up the rat race and work the land… for a major farming conglomerate.
Delta Airlines (2100) – In an effort to improve safety, in-flight meals will no longer be served.
Eddie Bauer (193) – New for Spring, potato sacks with a casual twine belt. Perfect for days on the unemployment line or nights, um, on the unemployment line.
Ethan Allen (190) – The business of furnishing tomorrow’s foreclosed homes just isn’t what it used to be.
Fidelity Investments (1300) – Fidelity… that means loyalty, right?
Goodyear (5000) – And which year would that be?
Google (6000) – unless being evil is better for the bottom line. Then it’s okay.
HCI Books (34) – Publisher relocates chicken soup from soul to toilet.
Home Depot (7000) – The company has donated cardboard and corrugated metal for their former employees’ next homes.
Kaiser Permanente (860) – Just assume that you can’t get an appointment and save yourself the 20-minute tour through their answering system.
Limited Brands (400 ) – and limited revenue to match.
Logitech (525) – My current form of carpal tunnel syndrome will have to suffice for now.
Meredith (250) – Subscribers to the soon-to-be-defunct Country Home magazine will get free subscriptions to Empty Lot.
Pfizer (26,000) – Has the market for Viagra gone soft too?
Planned Parenthood (30) – That means an additional 500 employees for corporate America to lay off in 20-25 years.
Plantronics (900) – And just when I was looking to upgrade all of my robotic plants…
RR Donnelley & Sons (370) – Just keep the junk mail coming. The only good tree is a dead tree.
Sara Lee Corp. (700) – Even my unemployed, depression-induced eating binges couldn’t save them.
Sesame Street (68) – Brought to you by the letters B and S, and the number 0.
Sony Pictures Entertainment (300) – Stick around for Layoffs II, in which the executives get bonuses and throw a big party.
Sunoco (750) – And let me guess, you’ll have to raise gas prices too…
Texas Instruments (400) – At least my solar calculator from college still works well enough to make subtractions from my bank account.
US Postal Service (3000) – This threatens my day’s most anticipated activity – giving my neighbor his mis-delivered mail.
Vail Resorts (50) – Whatever, I’m skiing at Aspen this winter anyway.
Washington Mutual (3400) – That’s what you get for calling yourself WaMu. You are (were) a bank, not a farm animal.
Weyerhaeuser (480) – Since no one has any money, I guess we don’t need paper from trees to make it.
Yale University (300) – Take that, Biff and Muffy!
Zale (245) – Three month’s salary for me comes out to about $0. So I guess I can afford a diamond ring for my wife now. Unemployment works in my favor for once.
