Letters to your former employer
November 3, 2009Jon Brooks Comments Off
If the Internet is good for one thing, it’s making public the simmering cauldron of stored-up bile that you used to be able to drench only on friends, family, and pets. Most of these are dripping with sarcasm, and some are quite nasty. Which is understandable, perhaps. Maybe in a brutal recession like this, decorum is the first thing to go.
From Letters to Your Former Employer:
Thank you for shooting down every people-helping world-changing idea I submitted to you. I made the grave mistake of thinking that an anti-poverty anti-homelessness charity actually WANTED to fight poverty and homelessness. You are the embodiment of the religious hypocrite. You are the poster-child of the ‘Self-interested, Self-serving Cowards posing as good people of the World.’ …But mostly, you are a liar. I am just about done being livid about your ‘little mistake’ in the job description “Ooops, no, this job isn’t permanent, it is temporary, and now it is over, Bye!” I am freaked out, penniless, jobless, and angry, but I am already getting over it. Many other people are much worse off than I am. So, I am going to grab some guts, face up to my unfortunate situation, and then, I am going to go and actually change the world for the better. Things are crumbling and grim. They are scary and hard. But I will survive and do well. Oh, and so will other people who aren’t self-serving lazy cowards. You’re on your way out buster. No one has time for people like you any more. You are a bad person. I look forward to observing your karmic fall from esteemed position to public spit receptacle.
You were so right about the job market right now!
It really is an exciting time to be unemployed. It’s like an episode of “The Amazing Race”… For example, I was seated in a waiting room before an interview for a custodial technician position the other day, when suddenly this guy comes out of the boss’ office, crushes a piece of paper in his hands (I think it was his resume), and spikes it into the trash can…I wanted to be supportive, so I asked him how it went. So he says: “Good luck getting hired by that a**hole, buddy.” I’m waiting to hear back…it’s been a month but I really think I have a shot…
In the meantime, I hope things are going well with that job you still have. Congratulations on getting that raise by the way, it must be nice to be able to fire your employees to put more money in your own pocket. Don’t spend it all in one go. And if you see me at Wendy’s, don’t forget to be a champ and throw me an extra Washington for the effort.
If I could apologize to you in person for all my careless oversights, undue sarcasm, bogus excuses, flat-out lies, unearned credit, feigned illnesses, and generally sour, unnecessarily put-upon demeanor, I wouldn’t! You deserved every minute of it just about as much as I enjoyed dishing it out to ya.
Thank you so much for everything you did for me while I worked for you….I’m really going to miss you and all of the idiosyncratic things you do. I’ll miss your frowning face, but at least I’ll have memories.
The one thing I’ll probably miss above everything else is doing your expense reports. The way you throw crumpled up receipts at me…or how you leave a hotel bill on my chair when I’m away from my desk. Whenever I go to process your hotel bill, I can always count on excessive mini bar charges without explanation. But most of all, I think I will miss processing the $50 worth of porn movie charges you rack up in one night at a hotel. Even though everyone knows to shut off the porn before they fall asleep, you’ve always done things your way and just left it on. I really respect that about you.
Aside from your travel habits, I’m going to miss so many other small things… The way you must buy a soft pretzel and soda every time you travel through an airport. The lunch receipts you give me with names of people who are neither business associates nor employees of the company we work for. The way your shirt is always too small and always wrinkled and also you smell.
I’m going to miss when you leave all the lights on in your office at 3pm with papers scattered on your desk, and then try to creep out the other door. I’ll really miss catching you do that while you think you are fooling everyone. And last but not least, I’m going to miss the way you take car vouchers from my desk and use them to take your girlfriend out to dinner downtown and then home to Long Island.
Oh, and I almost forgot, I’m really going to miss the way you ask me to do things, and then take credit for them in emails, to our bosses, and in meetings.
It’s been a good run. Thanks for teaching me so much about how to conduct myself in the workplace and how to also be a decent human being. I’ll never forget you.
richd: hi bill
12/25/08 9:51PM
richd: you there?
12/25/08 9:52PM
boss: Yes Rich, I’m here. How are you doing?
12/25/08 9:52PM
richd: hi! hi bill. well i’m doing fine i guess. i have lots of time now
12/25/08 9:53PM
boss: Well, that must be nice.
12/25/08 9:53PM
richd: you know, since you fired me and everything
12/25/08 9:53PM
boss: Rich, I’m sorry you lost your job but
richd is typing…
12/25/08 9:53PM
boss: I’m afraid it had to be done.
12/25/08 9:53PM
richd: you’re a f*** a**hole
12/25/08 9:54PM
boss: Excuse me?
12/25/08 9:54PM
richd: you can read, right?
12/25/08 9:54PM
boss: I’m not sure what you mean.
12/25/08 9:54PM
richd: you can read, right? because if you could you’d finally know that you’re a F*** A***.
12/25/08 9:54PM
boss: Rich, you lost your job.
richd is typing….
12/25/08 9:54PM
boss: I feel for you, especially in these hard times, but frankly you’re very much out of line at the moment.
12/25/08 9:54PM
richd: YOU D**** WITH YOUR ECONOMY BULLSHIT AND YOUR CORNER OFFICE AND BRIBING THAT GIRL FROM ACCOUNTING TO SLEEP WITH YOU WITH A RAISE AND THE F*****
12/25/08 9:54PM
boss is no longer online.
12/25/08 9:54PM
richd: goddamn bastard
12/25/08 11:19PM
boss is now online.
12/25/08 11:19PM
richd: can i have my job back?
12/25/08 11:19PM
boss is no longer online.…the fact that you were only hired in the first place because of a family friend only fuels my impression of you as someone who sucks in a major way. And even though you smile a shit
ton, at the end of the day your annoyingly consistent smile doesn’t even come close to balancing out the f***** up shit you do when you are not smiling. With that said I am sure you at least now understand why i am so confused and frustrated with your decision to terminate me.If only your superiors knew that your interpretation of management lacked any degree of intellect and functioned purely on image. You fired me simply because you could, and not because it was beneficial to the company…
So in conclusion, I want to stress that I am ok with your decision. At least I know that tomorrow I can wake up unemployed and happy and that you will forever wake up with the face of a melted stone tool.
Now I feel bad because it just hit me the extent to which your life sucks and will continue to suck. I wish I hadn’t been so hard on you….but actually no I don’t. You suck and you should pay.
