Friendship with the homeless
November 4, 2009Jon Brooks 1 Comment »
Fascinating post from the blog Impotent Rage called Some Personal Thoughts on Homelessness and Reciprocity, written by a social worker and advocate for the homeless. The writer serves a rep/payee for a homeless man, and it’s her job to pick up his disability checks, cash them, and disburse the money to him, which she does daily. The post describes a day waiting with the man and his girlfriend at the Social Security office, as well as what it’s like to work and maintain genuine friendships within a homeless population.
From the post:
I have many homeless people on my block and I have worked with homeless people for years as a social worker. I have loved some of these people and I have become exasperated with them. Chuck and Kelli are unable to make it in the paper world (the name I give the world of paychecks, identification cards, rental agreements and such). They have emotional problems from being raised in foster homes, they have anxiety, they are severe alcoholics, their behavior is disinhibited and bizarre, Kelli has an explosive temper that I attribute to a severe head injury she received as a child. She also has a personality disorder. I want to have hope for them but I am unable to. The paper world requires tremendous social grooming to fit in. They aren’t groomed, and they appear be ungroomable. To some extent they are comfortable in their own world of sleeping outside, prostituting, drinking, and getting by. But I fear they can’t be long for that world, either.
I think I understand why people get angry when they have to step over homeless people in the street and wind up complaining that they are somehow the victims of homeless people’s mere presence. I think we feel the heavy weight of the obligation and want to unburden ourselves of it. “What do you want from me? A dollar? A coat? My f****** house? A bed in a rehab?”. The needs seem endless. If we stop to consider the need, we begin to feel drained. We could easily give away every single thing we have in material terms and in the form of personal time and it would barely make a dent. In fact, we would end up homeless ourselves. So we give a dollar, or not, and step over that person and wish we didn’t have to think about them.
I have found my mind wondering to the question of “what can Kelli do for me?” I have given Kelli various things over the years and quite a bit of my time. Sometimes I surprise myself by hearing myself ask, “I wonder if she could help me with the yard”? or “Could she help me with childcare?”. The answer to those questions is “NO!” of course she can’t help with those things, she is way too disorganized, but why am I wondering? Is it because I feel like I’m giving without getting back? Is the nature of most human relationships that we are seeking tangible benefits? Is it an equation of “you give me this and I’ll give you that?”. I hate to think it, but it seems to be the case.
Kelli, being a human and knowing the nature of friendship, has given me things over the years, too, though this practice has begun to wane on her side. Maybe she knows I have to throw out stuffed animals she leaves for my son because of my fear of bed bugs. Maybe she is more focused on giving to Chuck right now, which is normal. He is everything to her and I am happy she is finally in a relationship and less lonely.
Something keeps me in Kelli’s orbit, and it isn’t the used stuffed animals she used to leave. I genuinely like her. I admire her tenacity, her survival instincts, her sense of humor. Her indifference to the concerns of us people occupying the paper world are refreshing. But maybe I am exploiting her? Do I like hanging around her for the sake of ‘slumming’? Does her continuous drama keep me amused? Have I been reluctant to write about her for fear that I am using her as writing material? I remember the wife of a medical social worker telling me about her husband. “He likes trouble ” she said. Am I a person who just likes trouble?
Kelli is getting married on Saturday and she has made it clear that she wants my help. She has no plans or means to buy a dress or shower or get dressed up. I find myself feeling fear about the wedding and her hints that she expects a night in a hotel as a gift, help with a dress, and someone to stand with her. How much, I wonder, am I willing to give?
November 17th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
[...] Friendship with the homeless [...]